peace

wow...after reading the last post that i posted, i think i was having a full anxiety attack while writing. i have been off work the past five days and have started to feel more peace. peace is something that has never come easy for me.i tend to worry about everything, just like my mom. my husband on the other hand doesnt worry much at all. this weekend he says to me,   melanoma is a thing of your past, unless it comes up again dont look back....and if it does come back we will deal with it then. he makes it sound so easy.  another thing that happened this week, we found ourselves in a situation where we were in need of some help. i sent out a prayer request and the number of people that showed up to help was just overwhelming. we are so blessed to have such caring people in our lives.
i am working the next couple days and i am looking forward to spending the day with my mom at a womens health conference on friday. i hope my fears continue to get better each day.

Fears/Meds

So yesterday I went to see the Dermatologist for my three month skin check. He tells me that he doesn't see any "areas of concern" and that he will see me in three months. As I am sitting there listening to him, I almost went into panic mode. I realized that I am trusting my life in this mans hands. If he misses something, will I find it? If we both miss it will it be widespread before I see him again in three months? I cannot handle the fear of not being in control of this situation. (Although I know I am not the one ultimately in control)  The spot on my arm come up in Jan. It grew so fast and so deep. It scares me so bad. Being a nurse I have seen to much and know too much. I know that docs have their good days and bad just like all of us. I left there still having this awful feeling in my stomach that something terrible is going to happen. I have had this gut feeling for two weeks now.
So then after that apt., I go to see the psych doc for the first time since all this started in Feb. I am telling him about this stage of fear that I can't get through. He prescribes Cymbalta 90mg. He says its all normal and in a couple of weeks I should notice a difference. (Note that I have been on cymbalta 60mg since June). He then begins to ask me about my support system. I have to tell you that I am so blessed in this area. I have the greatest husband and kids. My family and friends are supportive. I will never be able to pay my mom back for all her support. The entire family has went above and beyond. Its then that I realize, I am not afraid to die, I am just afraid of leaving my family. I want to see my kids grow up and spend time with family and friends (bargining). I know I am a stage 2b but I am telling you I have this really bad feeling.
The doc also gave me Remeron to help me sleep and not stay up thinking about things all the time. Which brings me to my next issue. My body has to be so confused. I am taking Ritalin in the mornings to fight the fatigue and be able to go to work for 12 hrs, along with the Cymbalta. Then at night i am taking the remeron to help me sleep and on the days i have injections i am taking Zofran and Ativan. My poor heart doesn't know wether to speed up or slow down. Can this be good?
I am done rambling now. Maybe its the interferon that is making my mind go crazy. Maybe its not. I just wish I could get over this whole fear stage.

crossing my fingers...

dermatology visit today, praying for an all clear.